Thursday, April 20, 2006

Back, but only for a while.

recently, i realised how much of a loner am i. i can just eat alone, walk alone to lect and not feel a thing. sometimes, i just feel like being alone is so much better than being with friends cos at least i can save the trouble of entertaining them. at least i can take the time to look out of the window, at the scenery which i've seen for the past 1.5 years, and do some self reflection. perhaps, at tt time, i was contemplating about things that are happening all around me. thought provoking issues (which may seem nothing to you) that affects me. and i really realised how much damage has jc life do to me. i realise i have no good friends, only, maybe, aquaintances who appear to be always there for me. but i know they don't mean it. making a generalisation here cos i feel it's true in my case. i don't feel comfortable with friends around me and i usually stutter when i speak cos im not confident of myself anymore. i think my confidence level has reached an all-time low and i think it's tough for me to bounce back to where i last begin at the start of jc life. i realise im no longer productive when i study but i'll try to regain it and possible, do it right for mid years. what more can i say? i think i've made it worst by isolating myself (sometimes only) but i think that's a personal space i need for mysef at times.

i remember i wasn't like in the past. lol. but heck, i told you i dislike jc life and i want to get out of it soon! last year i said that and this year, the fact remains.

everyone's nagging at me but i know my own limits. don't tell me things that i already know. i know jc life is crucial. it's either i make it or break it. i know i must start bucking up now and i'm really bucking up now despite my busy schedule. i'm doing all that i could to push my grades up and i make sure it will for mid years. i know everything thati ought to know so stop annoying me, will all of u?

everyone is having it bad. but i don't want to be just like them. i want to be the one surviving it. i can't just follow the trend. i'll probable die.

this is my life;

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

to my dearest jianting~

this is my life;

Saturday, February 04, 2006

today i was the only one sending my brother off . And it's not cos he has a small circle of friends. it's just that he didn't want his friends to see him leave. so, i volunteered in sending him to the airport this morning - 6.30am. even when it's minutes before he left, we just kept joking. joke and joke and joke. it is such an unsuitable scene to joke but nevertheless, we did just that.

just before he left, he ask me why i didn't cry whenever he left for sheffield or even now but why did i cry few years back when my sister left for england a couple of years ago.i didn't reply him of course. cos i think if he sees me cry, he'll be quite upset cos he'll be the only one suffering there in silence? but of course not. my damn brother really knows how to enjoy life. he intends to go bag-packing over there so.. i'm not worried.

just when i really thought i won't miss him so much, all the memories - eversince he returned from england - just surfaced and i just couldn't control my bloody tears. it just kept streaming and streaming and streaming. i kept thinking how he will make supper for me every night and cook for me whenever i'm hungry. how he'll tell me his cookings are up to standard and it's not as bad as what i think. how i'll switch off the heater, then the lights of the toilet when he's bathing and how he screamed for help when there wasn't any heater for him to bathe in. (p.s he's afraid of bathing in the cold.) how i'll touch his chest whenever i feel bored at home and he's playing his computer games. how we used to grope each other ass whenever we walked past eachother on the stairs. how he'll come to my room going "girl girl~" when i'm mugging for promos last year. how he'll analyse with me what will happen when jt goes to army few years later and how he never fails to warn me, time and again, not to do stupid things. (he warned me again when he left for singapore this morning.), how he'll tell me whether i look good in this or that or not when we go shopping. how he used to criticise my taste and how he told me me and jt will "hao ju hao san". how he'll caringly asked me if im ok or not whenever my mens cramp acted up on me again.etc...etc... he said many things but the more prominent ones are these.

how can i not miss nor cry over such a significant person in my life? i must be crazy.

ok, i'll try to end off with a smile now. :'(

this is my life;

Friday, February 03, 2006

HAHAHAHAHA.

my title is a reflection of sarcasm. don't even feel like laughing cos my brother is gonna be away for 1.5 years straight without coming back for festive occasion. so, i don't even feel like laughing cos there'll be no one for me to play with; joke with; pull his shorts down with; and when i am on the phone, there'll be no one to be background music anymore. but the only thing i'll be happy about is that there'll be no one jumping on my bed and goes "girl girl~" when i'm studying for my a's this year. but still, the unhappiness outweighs the happiness and i feel like strangling myself. :(

on a lighter note, my netball team gave me a surprise celebration which was really a surprise cos birthdays aren't usually celebrated in our team, except maybe our captain's. so, really came as a surprise. doubt any of them will be reading this but i'm still happy from the bottom of my heart. thank all of you so much. If i manage to get the pictures taken that day, i promise to post it up to my yahoo photo album by 18th feb. if not, then too bad cos by 18th feb, my internet connection will be cut off. i ask for it.

i'm really planning to go over to germany after my a's and i really mean it ok. i better start my saving plan and stop wasting money already!!! and this time, i'll probably be going over with szehui, my classmate, and maybe my sister. cos szehui's sister is a colleague of my brother. how coincidental! (: yay.

oh yes qiling thanks for your present. i appreciate it and thanks leen in advance for your present too! LOL.

alright. going off. i am 18! and "girl big ten eight one stalk of flower" (in chinese). and im a flower! (:

this is my life;

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

click here if you wanna view the pictures of my 18th birthday.

it's a wonder why i can feel grounchy on 29th january, when it's nearing my birthday, and yet felt like im on the top of the world on 30th january 00:00. this is the power of love, of friendship. the power of people who genuniely cares. and i'm glad i've found these people in my life. i have a couple of such people by my side and i feel so blessed. =D this year was one of the meaningful ones i've had. yay.

my boy, though failed to be physically there at the struck of 12, did countdown to my birthday and away from it. lol. he appeared at my aunt's place with my mother (cos they coincidentally met when they were both buying cake for me) and now all my relatives know i'm attached. one of the best birthday gifts cos from now onwards i can keep my head up high when i see them. thanks for your gift dear, appreciate it lar. (kiss kiss)

this girl, i call her heli, appeared at my doorsteps at 10 plus am to pass me breakfast made by her, a box of eighteen mini message in the bottles, and a mini booklet which i hold dearly to my heart. it was the best thing i could ever receive this birthday. =D thanks for your wonderful narration of our story and i didn't know i was such a little kid till i read the story. it makes me feel like taking care of the cass in it too. lol. hope i've grown matured since i'm already 18 this year! legally abound to do many things! thanks girl for everything. (give you bear hug)

and then came mighty8 with yun and sel stupid sarcasm and ignore-cass thinking. lol. but funny lar, no doubt. had a mini celebration with xian,char,han,yun,sel and jt and thoroughly enjoyed myself. love everyone! (gives everyone a BO,BB-ful hug and make all of you faint in shock)

anyway, my brother is leaving for singapore to germany this coming sunday. after which, my internet connection will be cancelled lar. i asked for it cos i asked my eldest brother to cancel it as my a's are coming. so, have to have self control lar. my future depends on this examination.

i shall end off with a smile. =)

this is my life;

Sunday, January 29, 2006

by right, i should be all smiles now since it's hours to my birthday. but truth is my heart ache like crazy and it's boiling within me. i tried to understand but the more i tried to, the more i am pissed. i am upset, definitely but what upsets me most is the fact that you're not sincere.
you kept changing timings, assuming that i'll always be free, fitting into your schedule.

this time round i'm feeling shit can? and for a spilt second, i really really really dislike you. :(

and you made me feel this way.

:(

this is my life;

Saturday, January 21, 2006

im taking a break from a day's of physics, maths and econs. so i'm just posting random thoughts as i make my way through the end of this entry. tmr will be the finals for last week's carnival and got to be there by 8am. interested in watching our matches? *blink blink*

the j1s has more or less settled down in school and everyday, i hear happy birthday songs everywhere in mj. perhaps cos these new batch of j1's enthusiasm hasn't worn off. but i'm sure, they will, in no time. so, let wait and see. they make a whole lot of noise and it's as though they gonna crumble the whole of mj everyday. but this is good news. they eat up all our yucky canteen food as though they havent eaten for days. but once again, this enthusiasm will wear off, sooner than expected. this then remind me of those first 3 months days i had in aj. during that period of time, i had sung many birthday songs. ate, smashed, and got smashed by cakes by fellow schoolmates. known many friends, some of whom i'm still keeping in contact with. received presents, skipped school/lessons, ran 74638463 rounds around their track. those days, i admit, were fun but that kinda fun wore off sooner than expected. whilst enjoying myself thoroughly, i was plagued by sorrows. i lacked fighting spirit. i thought life was pretty boring in aj cos i missed my secondary school friends. but, all is over now.

as i write this entry, i tell myself again and again that time flies. another one year and i'm out of here. but, the problem is i don't have the fighting spirit in me anymore. everytime i tried to settle down, with that stack of homework on my table, i questioned myself what's the whole point of doing tutorials after tutorials? i know what's the model answer to it but i just refuse believe. because of that, i'm here. i tried, but i couldn't do it. i wanna plaaaaayyyyy!

monday is math and i think i kinda covered it already. (kinda means not thoroughly) going on to physics later on and i hope that by tonight, i'll be able to complete those topics tested. highly impossible cos my mind seems to wonder about when i settle down - real hard - to study. now i understand how people can get tired of studying; get crazy over it.

school aside. on the lighter note, my birthday is in 9 days time! 9 more days and i can bravely walk in the 7-11 downstairs to get my first bottle of liqueor!



should be going back xms this coming friday. yay yay! gather gather! =D

this is my life;

CONNECTIONS

more of ME. ;
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char. ;
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heli. ;
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leen. ;
qiling. ;
jinglin. ;

designersarah;
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MY ARCHIVES

2004.12
2005.01
2005.02
2005.03
2005.04
2005.05
2005.06
2005.07
2005.08
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2005.10
2005.11

ME
cassandra ong. 300188.
alreadyateen. meridianjc. netball.. darling.
mighty8. feypeople. email.

SCREAM

and you are..? emaill..? what say you?(smilies)